i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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