Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
