Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize