i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Randomize
