when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
