Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
