wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize