She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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