i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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