FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize