You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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