I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
