No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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