i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
