the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
