dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
