Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
