Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
