How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize