why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
