i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
