the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
