Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We need to get me chipped asap
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
