dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
