The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
