Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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