So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
