the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
