shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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