We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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