My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He shit in the fireplace
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
