i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
