i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
