Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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