Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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