he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
