Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
