The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
4 words: hood of his car
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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