I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
