I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
