Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
where are my eyebrows?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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