Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
