you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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