Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
