Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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