We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
