Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am available for nakedness
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
