I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
