My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
40s are totally the cure
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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