Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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