Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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