I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just made my gag reflex go away.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize