You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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