i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
