I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize