I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
