It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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