If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
