I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
