so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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