Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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