I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
