I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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