I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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