i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
