I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize