Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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