I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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