i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
