there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
