Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
